When Laws Contradict Christianity

God said that we must follow the laws that are written to govern us. Scripture indicates that no one rules unless God explicitly gave him to power to do so. In a recent press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us that “it is Biblical to enforce the law.” When also discussing our nation’s current border crisis, Jeff Sessions made a similar comment, saying, “I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes.” Here is what he was referring to:

Romans 13

All of you must yield to the government rulers. No one rules unless God has given him the power to rule, and no one rules now without that power from God. So those who are against the government are really against what God has commanded. And they will bring punishment on themselves. Those who do right do not have to fear the rulers; only those who do wrong fear them. Do you want to be unafraid of the rulers? Then do what is right, and they will praise you. The ruler is God’s servant to help you. But if you do wrong, then be afraid. He has the power to punish; he is God’s servant to punish those who do wrong. So you must yield to the government, not only because you might be punished, but because you know it is right.

Let’s talk about that for a moment. “All of you must yield to government leaders. No one rules unless God has given him the power to rule, and no one rules now without that power from God.”

Well if this is meant to be interpreted word for word, then that is good news for Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, shoot, even King Herod. According to this scripture, they were all  given the power to rule. Furthermore, anyone who was “against the government [was] really against what God has commanded.” Yikes.

But wait. If there are two countries at war fighting over two different viewpoints, whose government ruler is following God’s command and whose is not?

Furthermore, what about laws that we know to have been unjust and perpetuated by evil by the so-called “chosen” leaders of God? At some point, I think we all recognize that dictators were likely not hand-selected by God to rule the people. Instead, I would like to believe that the verse (and other similar verses) was meant to imply that God intended for all rulers to be of sound moral judgment. If, in an ideal world, we knew that all of our leaders were chosen by God for their ethical duty and ability to uphold the Lord’s will, then perhaps we all would (or should) abide by the laws set forth by our government officials. However, as history has proven, many leaders have been driven by greed, hatred, and the corruption of their power.

Take for example the Nuremberg Laws of 1935. Nazis implemented a series of new laws that progressively became more unjust, ultimately leading to the murder of approximately 11 million people in just a few short years. The first law excluded Jews from Reich citizenship, therefore denying any say in the political decisions that were governing their lives. As expected, there were laws that prohibited Jews from having sexual relations or marrying anyone of German blood. The Reich later required medical examinations and certificates be presented prior to marriage to ensure anyone with hereditary illnesses could not proceed, and prohibited relationships or marriage to black people or gypsies, or to their descendants.

As we all know, the laws against Jews extended far beyond relationships, however. As the genocide progressed, Jewish people were required, by law, to register their businesses, which were then forcefully sold to non-Jewish Germans at unfair prices. They were forced to carry identification cards and if their legal name wasn’t “Jewish” enough, their names were changed so that they’d be easily identifiable.anne frank sign 2 Jews were banned from being lawyers, physicians were forced out of practice, and eventually laws were made restricting Jewish children from attending German schools. (United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, 2018).

During World War II, 6 million Jewish people were killed at the hands of the Nazis and the Third Reich. It is estimated that an additional 5 million people (or more) were also killed under this regime. Most of the other causalities were people who opposed the regime and its laws, non-Jewish Polish citizens, Soviet civilians and POW’s, gypsies, Serb citizens, people with disabilities, the mentally ill, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and accused criminals, including people whose only “crime” was breaking the law against homosexuality (Simon Wisenthal Center, 2018). Eleven million people were tortured and killed and all of it was done within the terms of the then-current “law.”

“Laws” also allowed concentration camp doctors to experiment on prisoners, “to meet the needs of the army” and to continue “reinforce racial ideology.” Some doctors did it for the advancement of German pharmaceutical companies or for their own personal interests. The men conducting these atrocities were ordered to do so by the military. In other words, they were following the law put in place by their government officials (Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum Archives, 2018).

Here in the United States, we are no stranger to unjust laws that plague our country’s history. From the mass genocide of Native Americans to the institution of slavery and segregation, we are well aware of the social injustices and utter destruction that can happen when we follow laws that lead us blindly into sin and wrongdoing.

It is estimated that when Columbus arrived, there were anywhere between five and 15 million Native Americans inhabiting the land that we now call ours. According to the History Channel website, “by the close of the Indian Wars in the late 19th century, fewer than 238,000 indigenous people remained” (2018). In 1830, President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act, a law that forced the remaining Natives off their lands and onto reservations. When members of the Cherokee tribe refused, another 4,000 natives were killed in what is now known as the “Trail of Tears” (Library of Congress, 2018).

When the opportunity to profit from the use of free human labor came knocking at our doors, we gladly accepted. As the slave population grew, so did American profits. According to a census conducted by the US Census Bureau in 1860, there were 3.9 million slaves living in our country at the time. Conveniently for white folks, the laws prohibited blacks from citizenship, land ownership, or having any political voice. The laws allowed parents to be separated from their children at the auction block (sound familiar?) because after all, the slaves had no rights here in America. Married couples were split up. Men, women, and children were considered property and therefore could be raped, mutilated, abused, overworked, sold, and traded at their owner’s leisure. Laws prohibited slaves from reading or getting an education because, God forbid, it may have sparked their understanding of the unjust laws that were binding them to a life of misery.

As time passed by and the atrocities of slavery were realized, laws still oppressed African Americans, people of “Hebrew descent,” Japanese Americans and so forth. There is a high chance that people of those origins were not allowed to live in neighborhoods near you. Black people were forced, by law, to attend different schools than their white counterparts. People of color couldn’t drink out of the same water fountain or patron most restaurants. They had to use certain books at the library because white folks didn’t want to be infested (recognize that term from more recent times?) by their germs. Our government forced Japanese people out of their homes and let them lose everything they owned, and for what? Not one interned person was ever found to be treasonous.

Are any of those laws ethical? Would Jesus have approved of them?

I found this video from the Jesuit priest Rev. James J. Martin, SJ regarding the law and immigration to be intriguing.

I was drawn to the priest’s commentary about picking and choosing when we believe that the “law is our command,” if you will. For example, in the current debate about immigration, many Americans continue to insist that because it is written in law that these folks came here illegally, even when seeking asylum, that they are committing crimes and do not deserve the human decency of due process (like our President has suggested) or even the human right to be with their children (or at the very least, the right to know where their children are and when they will be reunited). However, many of the same folks that believe that the “law is our command,” are also openly “anti-law” when it comes to issues like abortion or same-sex marriage; an indication that these people are, in fact, skeptical of man-made laws. Subsequently, they cannot actually believe that what is decided upon by the rulers of a government is necessarily in alignment with their moral values or their Christian faith–which at the end of the day, should actually trump any and everything else–at least according to the Bible.  There are several examples of this throughout the Bible, one being in Exodus 1:15-17, when it explains how the Hebrew midwives refused to murder newborn boys, even when ordered by law to do so by the king of Egypt. Similarly, when King Darius ordered his kingdom to follow only his mandated religion, Daniel went home and prayed to God, even at the expense of breaking a law that was punishable by death (Daniel 6:6-17).

I also find it intriguing that in Pope Francis’s Gaudete et Exsultate” (or “Rejoice and Be Glad”) published early this year, he basically tells people that they need to have the same amount of empathy for immigrants, for the poor, for the vulnerable, and to victims of crimes and injustice as they do for the unborn. He wrote:

“Our defense of the innocent unborn, for example, needs to be clear, firm and passionate, for at stake is the dignity of a human life…Equally sacred, however, are the lives of the poor, those already born, the destitute, the abandoned and the underprivileged, the vulnerable infirm and elderly exposed to covert euthanasia, the victims of human trafficking, new forms of slavery, and every form of rejection…”

In other words, he was saying that “pro-life” should be an ideology that applies to all people, including those who are already alive.

While I am in no way downplaying laws or a society’s need to have governing rules to prevent chaos, I do think that we need to go back to the basics in regard to immigration–to “treat they neighbor as thyself.” On the other hand, all moral values aside, a government only has enough resources for a certain number of people, right? We are doing our best by allowing some folks in, but realistically have to limit our intake because we don’t have the space or the resources to take on all of the world’s “problems,” right? (Thank God that Egypt didn’t say that to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph when they went their to escape murder at the request of King Herod.) Why can’t immigrants and refugees get in line and wait for their turn to be legally granted entry into the country?

It isn’t that simple. While that is worthy of an entirely different post, just think about it rationally for one minute. We are talking about folks who are fleeing poverty and oppression that is so bad that they are willing to risk their lives and the lives of their loved ones, small children included, to escape. That says enough in and of itself. If we dive deeper however, we can separate the folks who are here hoping to pursue the difficult task of seeking asylum, which is a process that requires a great deal of assistance and resources that they most likely do not have, from those who perhaps might just become “illegal immigrants” to limit their chances of being sent back to a place where it is not safe to live. Do any of you think that people wake up one day and want to leave behind everything they have ever known to live in a place that doesn’t welcome them? Do you think they want to spend the remainder of their life living in fear that they will get caught and deported or will be separated from their families (the only real thing of value in their lives)? I personally do not think that anyone wakes up and wants to be an illegal immigrant. Instead, I believe the people who embark on such a dangerous journey likely feel that when evaluating their options, it is the only choice they have left.

In Matthew 25:35-40, we are reminded that by reaching out and helping those in need,we are not just helping a fellow human, but we are helping God. I will leave you with these words:

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (NIV, 2018).”

 

How to Treat your Grieving Friends After the Death of a Child

family at grave
How to treat your grieving friends
after the death of their child

Losing a child is an experience that is indescribable and there really is no black and white description of how a person should and will mourn.

We all react to situations differently. However, as hard as it is to try to decipher how to react to your mourning friend, it is certainly harder to be the person on the receiving end. Honestly, the list of ways you can help ease the pain is minimal, but your efforts will always be remembered.

On the contrary, there a lot of things you should NOT do and say to a friend or family member who has just experienced the loss of a child. While I in no way am trying to cause intimidation that will lead to avoidance, I am suggesting that you are very mindful of how your words or actions, or lack thereof, may have a lasting affect.

Also, please keep in mind that these suggestions do not just apply to parents whose children who made it home. The pain is just as real for mothers and fathers whose babies died through miscarriage, who were stillborn, or whose lifetime never entailed leaving the hospital. The heartache is piercing, no matter the circumstance.

From my experience, these are the things will likely help:

  1. Offer your prayers and please do follow through with that promise.
    We often times tell people they are in our “thoughts and prayers,” but at the end of the day, we are too tired or too busy to really follow through. Please dedicate some actual time to praying for the child and for the child’s family. Those prayers are worth more than any other act possible could be.
  2. Prepare meals, even when the person declines.
    Several people approached me and asked me if they could bring me meals, but the thought of having to invite folks in and entertain them was too much to handle. I also didn’t want to be a burden on anyone else. And yet, making meals and doing my regular household chores was one of the hardest parts of the process. The people I appreciated most were the ones who either brought me frozen meals or had them stored at my daughters school for me to pick up. It was appreciated beyond words and those people are some of the folks I will cherish for a lifetime. They knew what I needed, even when I didn’t. Another really great option is to give gift certificates for restaurants or delivery services.
  3. Offer to watch the parents other children and/or help carpool.
    Having to keep up with the everyday hustle of parenting is especially hard when all you really want to do is crawl into a black hole and sleep through your pain, at least for awhile. The lives of the other children in the home still go on. They still have school, they still have activities, they still get bored and have sibling quarrels. All of those things become extremely difficult to manage when you are grieving the loss of another child. Not to mention the fact that those other kids needs outlets, too, and should be out and about, staying busy and remembering the positive things in life. By helping take the kids places and occupying them with fun, it can provide tremendous relief to every member of the grieving family.
  4. Send the family cards or even a quick text message to let them know you care.
    Show the family you care by letting them know you are thinking about them. A simple gesture can go a long way and it will be cherished for a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to continue those messages over time, too. It helps remind the family that their loss has not, and will not, be forgotten. It also sends a message that you understand that no amount of time will “fix” what happened.
  5. Share your experience, but don’t try to compare apples to oranges.
    One of the most helpful experiences for me was hearing the stories of other women who have been through similar experiences. Knowing that other people have lived through it and have survived has really been my saving grace throughout all of this. However, I do have to say that some people compared “apples to oranges” and emotionally, that was difficult to manage. Unless your story is, in fact, of similar caliber, please don’t feel the need to share it in the midst of the parents grief. It isn’t helpful, and can even make them feel like their experience isn’t as “big of a deal” as it really is. It is their time, it is their experience, let them have it.I know this might be a controversial issue, but after being on the receiving end of many stories, I know how hard it can be to continuously hear about instances that shared similarities, but were not at all on the same spectrum. For example, I recognize that a woman having a miscarriage at any gestation is hurtful and a tragedy that is certainly life-altering. However, emotions are heightened when a mother has to physically undergo labor and delivery of her stillborn child or has to have it removed from her body in pieces with the help of forceps and a vacuum after hearing its heartbeat or feeling him kick just days before. Things get more complex when a mother has to first stop her living baby’s heart before any of these procedures begin, or when a mother delivers her living child and then holds it in her arms as he or she dies. The situation becomes entirely different for a parent who had a child that left the hospital, who shared their home, and with whom they shared milestones and many memories with. Be mindful of how your experiences may be conceived as incomparable, at least for the time being. Remember that there is a difference between sharing your story to support someone in need, and simply wanting to share your experience with others. Please know the difference– and share your story only when and if the time is appropriate. Honestly, I think at some point, grieving parents begin to understand one another’s grief no matter the surrounding circumstances (from miscarriage to losing an adult child), but in the moment, comparisons can be challenging.
  6. If you don’t know what to say, just tell them that.
    Of all people, the person grieving understands that there really are no words that will provide comfort. So rather than avoiding the person, just tell them that you are at a loss for words, but also remind them that you are there for them if they need anything (and mean it).
  7. Send thoughtful gifts.
    We were blessed to have a great group of friends and family who were there to support us and remind us that their still was good in the world. Some of the most touching gifts we received were:
  • Plants. Flowers are great, but like their loved one, they die. Giving trees, rose bushes, hydrangeas, or other “plantable” items can be a fantastic way to honor the family with a very special memorial that comes back year after year. If you are having a hard time deciding, you can always purchase a gift card to a nursery and let the family pick the plant out themselves.
  • A Willow Tree Angel, perhaps the Remembrance model, with a personalized stand. I received one with my son’s name and his date of birth/death. It was such a heartfelt surprise to receive.
  • Buy a star in honor of their loved one. 
  • Frame an image of the night’s sky on any given night at any specific location.
    I looked into this myself, but think it would be a wonderful gift, especially for someone who someone who lost a child. Since my child only lived a day, I was able to use his time of death, but I know many moms would appreciate an image of the night sky on the day their child was born. They are customizable and you are able to add dates, times, locations, and even a sweet message.
  • Photo gifts. Shutterfly has a large assortment of gifts that are both meaningful and easy to make. You can use footprints, photos, or even just customize a product with initials.
  • Fingerprint memorial jewelry.
    If you are close enough to the individual to have access to their loved ones finger or footprint, these are really touching gifts. Not only does the jewelry include the exact print, but some of them allow for other personalized options like birthstones, photos, and engraving.
  • Consider gifts for the other children, too. I received a children’s book that explained death and it oddly helped remind me, let alone the kids. They also received a really neat CD with lullabies written from scriptures. The person that gave me those items had lost not one, but two children in her lifetime and she really understood how much the gesture would mean. Stuffed animals can bring a lot of comfort, too.

On the contrary, these are things to avoid:

  1. Do not ask if the family will “try again.”
    The life of a child is not something that can be replaced, not even by another baby. While having another child may be something that brings some peace later on, it will not be because the new child will take the place of the life that it was lost.Also, it is completely inappropriate to ask a grieving mother to start considering when she will put her body through the process again. Whether her child died from miscarriage, was stillborn, or only lived a short while–her body is still in pregnancy mode. It takes at least 6 weeks for your body to begin going back to “normal.” Then there are the hormones that are unpredictable, which is typical of any pregnancy. Add the hardship of losing the child and just try to imagine the whirlwind of emotions that she is experiencing. Think about how she will be, physiologically speaking, around the due date of her child. Perhaps imagine how hard the act of getting pregnant again will be in general, as well as the fear that both parents will face. Every appointment, every test, every ultrasound–would likely be haunted by their past experience. The pregnancy, even if the next baby is healthy, would be a terrifying experience and likely one full of feelings of guilt, as well. It is completely unacceptable to ask a parent to even think through those things during their time of grief, or very a very long time after (if at all). That is something I would suggest waiting for the mom to be ready to bring up on her own.
  2. Don’t pretend it never happened.
    I think one of a parent’s biggest fears is that their child will be forgotten, or that their memory is not considered important enough to carry on. Do not try to avoid any hurt feelings or awkwardness by not talking about the child that has passed away. Whether the child was an infant or was 50, a parent’s connection with their child is undeniable. Help the parent feel like their child’s time on earth mattered and that his or her life was, and always will be, valued.
  3. Don’t tell someone how they should grieve.
    Some parents have a traditional funeral for their child, some have a celebration of life, and some opt out of a funeral entirely. In the aftermath, some people lay in bed for days, wishing it was all a bad nightmare and avoid interaction with others. That process might last a few days, or it might last a few weeks or months. Each person and each experience is unique, as is their grieving process. Give them all the time they need (or don’t need). Alternatively, some people cope by getting out and about and staying busy or even going back to work immediately. If you see a parent out at the store or at an event, don’t assume it means they are “okay” and are no longer grieving internally. They are hurting. Immensely. But remember that 1) life goes on for the world around them, including their other family members and 2) sometimes the only thing that helps is distraction. Be kind.
  4. Don’t tell them that their child is “in a better place.”
    I know this is sometimes a “go to” phrase when someone dies, but when it is a child or young person, I really don’t recommend saying it. First of all, you don’t know what the other person’s religious beliefs are, and even if you do, there is a very big chance that they are questioning any and everything during the immediate aftermath. Second, a parent’s relationship with their child is perhaps the strongest bond one can feel. Although the person may eventually find comfort in knowing that their child is in heaven (if that is what they believe), all they really want is to be able to hold their kid and to be a part of every one of their important milestones. Losing a baby is particularly hard because it is hard to fathom the infant’s transformation when they get to heaven. What form are they in? Are they still tiny or do they need to be held? Who is taking care of them? To the outside person, those questions might seem silly, but to a grieving mama, those ideas control her mind.
  5. Don’t forget this experience and use it in your future interactions.
    A fellow mother who had lost a child over thirty years prior told me about a recent experience she had on an airplane. It was a simple conversation and one that many of us have likely had. The woman sitting next to her was a friendly lady who engaged in small talk by asking her how many children she had. When the mother responded with, “two boys,” the lady went on to say, “I bet you wish you’d had a girl.” The truth is, she did have a girl. Stephanie. Stephanie lived for about six hours before passing away. To make matters worse, the parents had no idea that their baby girl had any medical conditions that would cause her any distress upon arrival. She was rushed away from her mother and was taken to a children’s hospital, where she later passed away. Not only did the mother have a girl, but she had a girl that she never got to hold. She never even got to see the color of her eyes.The woman on the airplane had good intentions and simply wanted to start a conversation. However, when you have experienced something so tragic, the effects are lasting. As others have said before me, “losing a child is not a single event.” Even thirty years later, the reminder that she had a daughter, and lost a daughter, cut the mother deep. Please be mindful in your future conversations. Even if your intentions are good, you may unknowingly be saying something very hurtful to someone else.

Remember that the single most important thing you can do is let your friend or family member know that you are thinking of them. Offer your support, your help, and your prayers and hold true to your promises. Death is a hard thing to navigate, no matter the timing, and it can leave a person feeling very isolated and alone. It is hard to understand how the world around you just keeps moving when someone you loved just lost their life. Recognizing a person’s loss and letting them know you care can go a very long way.

 

#grievingparents #lossofchild #grief #bereavement #whattosay #remembrance

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: Empty Arms

Baby Gabriel’s footprint after passing away from genetic disorder called Trisomy 18.My dad and one of my sister’s came in and honestly, I think at that point, he was still alive.

Shortly after, I had each of my daughter’s come in to meet him, and essentially, to also say goodbye. I kept them separate so that they could each have a special moment with him, without any distraction.

My oldest was nine and it clearly broke her heart, but I think it also provided her with a lot of answers. She touched him and even smiled for a photo. Gabriel also “brought” her and her sister a special teddy bear, which we had him “hug” so that they would always have something tangible that they could hold. (Honestly, I find myself constantly holding their bears, too. It’s one of the last things I have that my baby boy physically touched.)

My younger daughter, who was five, came in after. I don’t think she grasped the idea that he had died, but that is probably for the best. All she knew is that she got to meet her brother and I think she will be eternally grateful for that as she gets older.

I had no intention of letting my four-year-old nephew come in the room, but the baby was so angelic that when his mom asked, it was completely fine by me. It was a honor to share Gabriel with as many family members as possible. I needed people to know just how “real” he was. That I had a son and that while he may have passed away, he was a very real part of our story.  Read More

Battling Grief After the Loss of a Child

Mother grieving after the death of a childFrom my life’s experience, I believe that there is depression and that there is grief. While you certainly can have both at the same time, the two are not interchangeable. I am grieving.

For many years, I struggled with depression and on many occasions, found myself no longer having the will to live. At two distinct points in my life, those emotions were so strong that I attempted to end my life, thankfully to no avail.

I had lived through some of life’s greatest struggles. From difficult break-ups to being cheated on while pregnant, from sexual assaults to nasty custody battles, I had experienced heartache, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion that challenged my very existence.

It wasn’t until the birth of my daughters that I realized that life was so much bigger than me and my day-to-day problems. I understood that my existence here on earth was so much larger than the hardships I faced. I fought to heal myself though a combination of counseling services, medications, and the realization that my success rate for making it through difficult days was 100 percent. While depression and anxiety still sneak up on me from time to time, as they do to everyone, I am much better equipped with the tools, resources, and mindset to find the good in my life and to move forward in a positive, productive way.

But more recently, I was introduced to the most raw form of grief–the loss of a child– and its presence has shaken me to the core. I am not depressed. I am heartbroken and emotionally devastated.

Even just the simple act of crying has changed for me. Read More

The struggles of dealing with a small child after the death of a sibling

A grieving mother trying to cope with other small children who do not understand the death of their siblingAs we were driving home today, my five-year-old asked, “Who is going to blow out the candles on Gabriel’s birthday?”

I just looked in the rear-view mirror, faked a smile, and said, “you are.”  Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: Hello and Goodbye

Bereavement photo of a mother with her child after induction of labor due to genetic abnormality and Trisomy 18

The amount of emotion we felt on this day is indescribable. No parent, no person, should ever have to both welcome their child into this world and then have to hold them as they die.

You are so overwhelmed with joy and with heartache that there really is nothing else in life that is comparable. Until you’ve been there, there is no possible way you can understand.

While it is my greatest hope that no one else ever has to experience this same sort of pain, I know now that it happens every day. Whether it be from Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18, or from any other form of fetal demise, it will happen. Since I cannot do anything to prevent it, I at least want to share my story so that other women can go into these circumstances knowing they are not alone. Besides my faith in God, the only humanly thing that has consoled me has been hearing the stories of other women who have lived through the death of their baby and have somehow, someway, survived it.  Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: The Impossible Choice

A mother faced with an impossible choice or decision after being an ultrasound revealing fetal abnormalities and the genetic disorder known as Trisomy 18 or Edwards Syndrome. She has been given the option to terminate the pregnancy for her own health or to go full term knowing her baby will die after birth.

Frankly, my choice when facing a Trisomy 18 diagnosis is no one’s business but my own. But being put in a position where I was asked to make an impossible decision has opened my eyes and my heart to others and I urge you all to do the same.

Throughout this process, I was given four options. Read More

Dealing with a pregnancy announcement after losing your child

An elated mother-to-be shares pregnancy announcement not realizing the hurt it may cause women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or defects I am so very happy for you and your family, but please do not be offended if I need some space right now. Your child is an absolute blessing to this world and I hope to rejoice with you someday soon, but I need some time to heal first.

In light of your pregnancy announcement, please do not be offended or feel as if I do not care if I have to remove myself from your life for awhile. If I stop following your social media feeds, it isn’t because I do not love and care for you. Please don’t feel like I am not thrilled for your new addition. It’s more complicated than that.  Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: My Baby’s Funeral

“Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?”

The sounds of children’s voices echoed through the cathedral at my daughters’ school as my husband, dressed in black, carried our son Gabriel towards the altar. My two daughters and I, along with our family members and all the small children in attendance, followed behind, carrying white roses to offer him near his casket. My mom took one of my grandmother’s tablecloth’s and placed it over top, as a pall. A Catholic priest sprinkles incense on our infant son at our baby's funeral following his death due to fetal abnormalities and a genetic disorder known as Trisomy 18.

I will always remember my baby boy being placed at the forefront of this beautiful cathedral, painted light blue, surrounded by roses, stained glass windows, and the smell of incense. My husband placed a baby blue Crucifix on top of his casket and a two-toned blue Rosary nearby.

And then it began–my baby’s funeral. My son’s official farewell.  Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: The Planning

You never realize how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. Bob Marley. The emotions a mother feels after her child dies due to Trisomy 18 or other fetal abnormalities.

This part of our journey was so very difficult. I cannot explain the the agony I felt in knowing our sweet boy was alone, in refrigeration, just waiting. Waiting for us to figure out what to do with him and how to honor his short but very important life.

It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest every time I thought about him laying there, alone and cold. Thanks to a loving and compassionate funeral home, I knew he was safe, but even so, it was agonizing. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to keep him warm. I wanted him to return to my arms, even if just for a moment, to tell him how much I loved him and how much I missed him already.

I laid in bed crying and remember physically reaching both arms out to the sky, begging God to hand him to me; to let me hold him just one more time.

Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: The Amniocentesis

A doctor holds an amniocentesis needle with a message about dealing with the procedure after a unexpected anatomy ultrasound during pregnancyMy husband and I called up my parents, as we always do in a crisis, and asked if they could come spend the night and take our daughters to school in the morning so we could get to the 7:30 a.m. amniocentesis. Again, it was as if the doctors wanted us there when no one else was around. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time and the last thing they wanted was a weeping mother in their office, or at least that is how it seemed at the time.

My heart broke because that day happened to be the Mother’s Day celebration in my youngest daughter’s preschool classroom. The children had been working tirelessly to perfect their special songs, one in English and one in Spanish. There was no place on Earth I wanted to be, and yet, I was unable to tell the doctor’s “no.”  Read More

Our Trisomy 18 Journey: The Anatomy Ultrasound

He was tiny, but he was perfect in every way. A mother remembering her infant son who died shortly after childbirth due to Trisomy 18May 8th was perhaps the hardest day of my life.

After the phone call the night before, I asked my mom to come sit with me at the anatomy ultrasound. She was running behind because of traffic, and my heart was beating out of control. She made it, though. Thank goodness, she made it.

They called my name and we headed back. I told the tech about my phone call with Dr. Weed, and as I presumed, she had not been updated.

As the ultrasound proceeded, I was told there was a heart beat. He was alive. He was ALIVE! That, to me, was everything. I let my heart and mind ease a bit as she scanned his body on the screen. His little legs and feet were precious. Both of his hands had one finger pointing upwards, as if to say, “I’m number one!” Looking back, I wonder now if he was pointing up to heaven, letting me know he would be okay no matter what.

“Congratulations! You are having a boy,” the tech said. At that moment, I felt calm. Tears of joy flowed down my face because I knew that she wouldn’t have used those words if there was bad news. The blood work, as expected, was wrong. Read More